Dear reader

Dear reader,

Welcome! I made this website to house my poems, essays, short stories, and other musings. This entire site is a personal journal. All my experiences and emotions will end up documented here.

It will all be for my personal benefit so I can look back on my memories and relive what I cherish and love. And, at the same time, I hope someone find it all inspiring.

This project is motivated by my passion in writing and a drive to express my creativity. It is also a way for me to immortalize my legacy as a human being on this world. 

Thank you for stopping by; do enjoy your stay!

With love,
Syd

April 8, 2025

Dear reader,

Friendship is very important to me. I am confident that it is more important to me than romantic involvements. 

There is something about friendships that I find so beautiful. How it is not innate, but made. 

A lot of my friends are relationships I chose to stay in. It is a decision and a commitment that I made to be present and involved in these people’s lives, whether that’s constantly or once or twice a year.

There are some friendships that I’ve learned to let go of. It is a hard thing when you realize that someone no longer aligns with your morals and values when, for so long, they’ve been a steady rock in your life. 

So you learn to let go of them, in small steps, and back away from something that no longer serves you. I can see where it can be selfish, but there is some point where you draw a line and set boundaries, especially if their actions, words, and philosophy have hurt you.

When those friendship ends, it doesn’t entirely mean you stop loving them. For me, it just means you love yourself enough and that love will extend to them in various other forms—through well wishes and occasional greetings. 

I also recently realized that it’s okay to keep your circle small, but it’s also important that you find friendship in all aspects of your life. 

For example, workplace friendships are very special; you go through the same tough times with someone, and that’s the core of your relationship. Another example is finding friendships in hobbies and interests. When you find friends from childhood, sometimes you don’t align when it comes to your hobbies, so you find people who will help you grow and expand your hobbies.

Recently, I have pushed myself to make this website. And I looked for support in my current friendships, expressing my excitement and enthusiasm about my plans with it. I got what I needed, but it’s not quite what I expected.

What I crave is support that will help me feel more excited. What I need is someone who gets it. Someone who’s equally as passionate and creative as I, who also wants to pursue a similar project, and we can help each other reach our goals. But I’ve yet to meet that person.

At my age, I’ve realized it’s so much harder to make friends. Initiating a conversation takes so much effort and asking people to be your friend is so foreign because we’re so used to just meeting someone situationally.

I scour my mind in body for any ounce of courage whenever I try to make friends or pursue a polite conversation. I like making new friends and I enjoy meeting new people. 

Though the people I have now in my life are enough, it would be nice to meet someone new who can push me to be more of who I am.

With love,
Syd 

April 18, 2025

Dear reader,

I've recently spent a good holiday break with my family.

Ate lots of food, went for a swim, and progressed further in the book I'm currently reading (Mistborn).

Overall, it was a good time. Spending time with family is always so relaxing. The Airbnb we rented was also nice; the caretakers we nice and the hosts were very kind.

Wishing for more opportunities like this to relax with the family. 

With love,
Syd 

June 3, 2025

Dear reader,

I've been struggling in lonesome again lately. My thoughts reinforcing my loneliness once again. I want to reach out to my friends, maybe it would help if I see them. 

But I've noticed it has become a cycle of getting their love and attention for a day or two, then I go back to how I used to feel. They've become a drug for me to use so I can feel better about myself. I don't like that.

So I think what I must do is to learn how I can be okay on my own. To know that no matter who leaves or stays or reject my affection and pleas to meet up, that I will be okay.

A lot of my problems come from impulses that I struggle to gain control over. My loneliness, my need to smoke, my need for physical and emotional intimacy. I want to believe I'm stronger that all of it—that I can be an admirable and remarkable person. But it's all so hard.

I can't even begin to be vulnerable with my friends, because when I try to be, I end up reassuring them that I'm okay. It's as if I struggle so hard with telling them I need help because I don't want to worry them. I am also scared that I'm far from salvation, that even their efforts can't help me. 

I love my friends. I feel their love as well. But I don't think they'll love me if they know me—truly know me and all my disgusting habits. It's all just a beautiful facade.

I hate myself and I try to change that by making people in my life love me. Make them believe I'm this well-rounded and secure person. I hate myself a little less when people around me like me. So when I gain their approval and admiration, it feels like heaven on Earth.

I don't want that anymore. 

I don't know what I want. 

I want to be okay—yet I don't know how I can do that.

Syd

December 10, 2025

On December 3, 2025, I discovered a feeling that I have never felt before. It was a feeling with hints of fear and anxious anticipation. When I tried to unravel this feeling and understood where it’s coming from and why I’m feeling it, I learned that it’s from breaking away from an established pattern.

Since coming home to Pangasinan, I’ve felt strange. It’s like home but not at all sometimes. As much as I tried to make it my place, it just didn’t click. Only recently have I finally found a secure footing. I have established a routine and built relationships in my small community of people: at home, in the gym, in the local wet market, and my regular cafe.

The feeling I felt three days prior to a big trip to Bukidnon, as I found out through Google and r/travel, is “Pre-Travel Blues.” A lot of people feel this when they’re starting to detach from the trip they’ve been anticipating for months.

Basically, that’s what I felt as well. We booked the trip in April and it’s been an exciting build up since. However, as I approach the day of the trip, I keep thinking of the things I will be leaving behind. All the chores, the people I’m taking care of, and the duties that will be left undone. The trip no longer excites me, instead, I am only wishing it will be finished sooner so I can go back to my regular routine.

Then the trip happened, and it was a truly memorable one. Our first night in Cagayan De Oro was chill. A staycation in the airbnb for one night to wait for our other friends to arrive the next day. 

The next three days were truly among the most beautiful parts of the trip. It came with so many challenges and frustration, but everything culminated into memorable times we all shared together and will remember with so much delight.

The sights we saw and the places we stayed at were among the most enchanting views I’ve seen in years. It all made me feel so grateful I get to live everyday and get to experience moments like that.

My friend Kate is someone to be grateful for for this trip because she planned our entire itinerary. I didn’t really know we were staying in camping sites until the day of the trip, and if I’d read the itinerary she sent I would have objected to it, it’s a good thing I didn’t know because I would be stupid to dismiss the idea of staying at a kubo on one of the peaks of a beautiful mountain range. 

The lakes, the mountains, the valleys, and the adventure parks we visited were all so exciting to experience. It was also fun to experience them with my friends. They have made the trip a unique one because I wouldn’t know what I would have done if I went solo.

I’ve been keen on doing things on my own for years. Previously, I went to Boracay alone and it was a great vacation, too. But this trip to Bukidnon with friends makes me think how group trips are also a good experience if you choose it to be. 

Ultimately, I went into this trip with so much dread, but I left Bukidnon with a light heart and a good feeling. 

The night I arrived home, my brother was waiting for me. He revealed the news that my dog, Marley, died—bit by a snake in our backyard. I was heartbroken and cried until I couldn’t.

Maybe the pre-travel blues and the bad feeling I had before the trip had something to do with Marley. Our last interaction was me feeding him and wanting to give him a bath, but I held it off after the trip and even told him he’s going to get a good bath when I get home. Only now, what stands in his place was an empty feeding bowl.

I don’t know what this all means now. But I can’t wash away the feeling of guilt and distress that maybe if I’d been home things wouldn’t have happened that way. However, I am trying hard not to marry the idea of leaving home might equal something bad happening at home. That’s what I was trying to overcome by going to Bukidnon. 

I loved Marley so much. I really thought he’d stay until he’s a thousand years old. He was full of vigor and joy, even if sometimes he can be too feisty.

Right now, what I am trying to instill, as I’ve always have, is that two things can be tried at once and they don’t have to directly affect each other. Me going to Bukidnon is something I needed and what happened to Marley happened. No, he’s not a lesson to be learned, he's a family that will be missed. I can only wish I could have done better by him. 

I’m sorry, Marley. Rest in peace.