Dear reader

Dear reader,

Welcome! I made this website to house my poems, essays, short stories, and other musings. This entire site is a personal journal. All my experiences and emotions will end up documented here.

It will all be for my personal benefit so I can look back on my memories and relive what I cherish and love. And, at the same time, I hope someone find it all inspiring.

This project is motivated by my passion in writing and a drive to express my creativity. It is also a way for me to immortalize my legacy as a human being on this world. 

Thank you for stopping by; do enjoy your stay!

With love,
Syd

April 8, 2025

Dear reader,

Friendship is very important to me. I am confident that it is more important to me than romantic involvements. 

There is something about friendships that I find so beautiful. How it is not innate, but made. 

A lot of my friends are relationships I chose to stay in. It is a decision and a commitment that I made to be present and involved in these people’s lives, whether that’s constantly or once or twice a year.

There are some friendships that I’ve learned to let go of. It is a hard thing when you realize that someone no longer aligns with your morals and values when, for so long, they’ve been a steady rock in your life. 

So you learn to let go of them, in small steps, and back away from something that no longer serves you. I can see where it can be selfish, but there is some point where you draw a line and set boundaries, especially if their actions, words, and philosophy have hurt you.

When those friendship ends, it doesn’t entirely mean you stop loving them. For me, it just means you love yourself enough and that love will extend to them in various other forms—through well wishes and occasional greetings. 

I also recently realized that it’s okay to keep your circle small, but it’s also important that you find friendship in all aspects of your life. 

For example, workplace friendships are very special; you go through the same tough times with someone, and that’s the core of your relationship. Another example is finding friendships in hobbies and interests. When you find friends from childhood, sometimes you don’t align when it comes to your hobbies, so you find people who will help you grow and expand your hobbies.

Recently, I have pushed myself to make this website. And I looked for support in my current friendships, expressing my excitement and enthusiasm about my plans with it. I got what I needed, but it’s not quite what I expected.

What I crave is support that will help me feel more excited. What I need is someone who gets it. Someone who’s equally as passionate and creative as I, who also wants to pursue a similar project, and we can help each other reach our goals. But I’ve yet to meet that person.

At my age, I’ve realized it’s so much harder to make friends. Initiating a conversation takes so much effort and asking people to be your friend is so foreign because we’re so used to just meeting someone situationally.

I scour my mind in body for any ounce of courage whenever I try to make friends or pursue a polite conversation. I like making new friends and I enjoy meeting new people. 

Though the people I have now in my life are enough, it would be nice to meet someone new who can push me to be more of who I am.

With love,
Syd 

April 18, 2025

Dear reader,

I've recently spent a good holiday break with my family.

Ate lots of food, went for a swim, and progressed further in the book I'm currently reading (Mistborn).

Overall, it was a good time. Spending time with family is always so relaxing. The Airbnb we rented was also nice; the caretakers we nice and the hosts were very kind.

Wishing for more opportunities like this to relax with the family. 

With love,
Syd 

June 3, 2025

Dear reader,

I've been struggling in lonesome again lately. My thoughts reinforcing my loneliness once again. I want to reach out to my friends, maybe it would help if I see them. 

But I've noticed it has become a cycle of getting their love and attention for a day or two, then I go back to how I used to feel. They've become a drug for me to use so I can feel better about myself. I don't like that.

So I think what I must do is to learn how I can be okay on my own. To know that no matter who leaves or stays or reject my affection and pleas to meet up, that I will be okay.

A lot of my problems come from impulses that I struggle to gain control over. My loneliness, my need to smoke, my need for physical and emotional intimacy. I want to believe I'm stronger that all of it—that I can be an admirable and remarkable person. But it's all so hard.

I can't even begin to be vulnerable with my friends, because when I try to be, I end up reassuring them that I'm okay. It's as if I struggle so hard with telling them I need help because I don't want to worry them. I am also scared that I'm far from salvation, that even their efforts can't help me. 

I love my friends. I feel their love as well. But I don't think they'll love me if they know me—truly know me and all my disgusting habits. It's all just a beautiful facade.

I hate myself and I try to change that by making people in my life love me. Make them believe I'm this well-rounded and secure person. I hate myself a little less when people around me like me. So when I gain their approval and admiration, it feels like heaven on Earth.

I don't want that anymore. 

I don't know what I want. 

I want to be okay—yet I don't know how I can do that.

Syd