What we want to forget

pain’s happiness

I often remind myself

of the prickled crippling pain 

It feels when I fall

for someone who can’t 

feel the same way for me

so that when he leaves

it will be a familiar sort of hurt, 

and I will be reminded

of the prickled crippling pain 

I have felt before

That I have felt a prickled

crippling happiness even for a short time

breakfast

I’ve been awake for hours before you did, 

counting all the mistakes

and red flags put in place.

While you were sleeping ever so soundly 

I tried my best not to wake you

as I fixed things on our stead

You tell me to wake up and smell the coffee. 

I ask you then,

who do you think prepared it?

For five months

Five months is enough

for epiphanies to surround me. 

Five months I played it rough 

played along with your taunts.

If you were trying to jab an emotion out of me

something that would help prove the feeling I have (for you)

as if it wasn’t enough that I go out of my way

to do favors, spend time, and tell you (I love/d you)

you had to cut down my defenses 

just so you can see me vulnerable.

Provoke my demons in an attempt to drive me mad 

paving my way to taste toxic.

I tried to play along,

but in the end, it was a game I didn’t want to win.

Five months is enough

to prove that my love doesn’t have to cost my sanity.

Love knows no boundaries

but five months is enough to say… 

I don’t want to love you anymore 

because I saw the line

and I wanted to cross it so bad, 

so I did.

The right place

Put yourself in the right place 

you stumble, you fall

you break, shatter to pieces

to put yourself in the right place

Happiness is cheap

cut all those who don’t bring it to you freely 

and charge you as if it isn’t your right to feel 

joy, glee, gay

The world is too small

do not be afraid to look people in the eye 

and find out if they’re friend or foe

Put yourself in the right place

beside the people who are right.

You stumble, you fall 

but in the right place

you build yourself up again.

Gone and never loved

how sad that even though 

something remarkable has 

ended between us

I cannot write 

anything about it

and I notice that everything wasn’t as beautiful

 as it seemed

we have hurt each other

and there are things I’d rather not recall

I felt your anger as you walked away 

but it did not hurt me

and I did not mourn for you

in the end,

even though, I loved you, 

I just thought,

I love myself too much 

to let you corrupt me.

Know-how

There will be people who you meet, 

but won’t have the luxury of knowing.

Knowing how they wake up in the morning. 

Knowing how they like their coffee.

Knowing how they wrap their arms around you

kiss you on the lips before they walk out the door.

Knowing how they walk around the house in search of you after a long day. Knowing how they look at you before falling asleep.

Knowing how the rise and fall of their chest feel under your hands.

There will be people who you meet, 

but won’t have the luxury of knowing.

And there will be people you know too well, 

and won’t ever meet again.

The scary thing is,

I don’t know which one is worse.

Missing

There is a new-found void 

after you left from a quick hug.

You took something away

leaving me with a huge chest cavity hallow, empty

I say goodbye to you and hello to nobody.

How to leave

The first time I had fun

was in the presence of your laugh. 

I felt as if I finally found a purpose 

when I uttered jokes

and you smiled from one ear to another.

It was a relief to be a reason for someone’s glee. 

Regardless of how much I wanted to leave

I finally found a place I could be.

Cruelty

It’s not a complicated situation to grasp 

when I tell you I like you

I didn’t mean it as a demand 

or a way to tie you down.

It’s just so I can tell you.

So I won’t live with the longingness, 

this ache I have,

for wanting you but can’t do anything about it.

I won’t urge you to feel anything. 

You don’t have to say anything.

It’s not a complicated situation to grasp.

“I love you,” shouldn’t be the worst thing you’ve ever heard.

Mean queue

I cling to an impossible happiness though, 

I am drowning in melancholy 

All I want is a good rest

found happiness in one man only

but I can’t even hold him 

at the end of the day.

I have used him as a reason to smile but somehow 

he’s become the reason why I’m feeling sad lately.

Forgetful

I cling to every possible memory

but they go too fast and I forget too easily

every time I go, it seems to go faster 

and I run fast and try to see clearly

but my feet and my eyes won’t allow me

to capture every moment with you 

and every feeling I was having

I try to remember what it was like 

and I know one thing for sure

I was happier every time.

What I hear from you

You don’t have to look me in the eyes when you say it. 

I hear it in how you avoid my touch, my presence,

and merely everything involving me. 

It speaks volumes.

I completely understand where I should put myself. 

As far away from here.

Shine, shimmer, glitter

Should tears shine 

when they drop?

Wouldn’t it be easier to know

if they are happy tears when they 

shimmer in the bask of sunlight 

or moonlight.

Should tears glitter

or should they disappear

right after they separated from your eyes 

and roll down your cheeks

so it doesn’t have to flood your face 

with thick water, marking you red 

and puffy that you try so hard to hide.

Should tears be glitter

or should I just be left alone when I cry?

Loss

I was used to being alone to have no one

you are not a loss to me

because I have already lost enough 

that I can never lose too many

Blindly

Prepare for another jump

after you have leaped so many times 

the bruises on your knees and elbows 

feel like mere scratches

from the fall.

Here is another fall

you didn’t know you were ready to jump 

until someone pushed you off

and you feel a bump on your head 

and a sharp rock hit your sides.

Prepare for another jump 

feel the wind cradle you 

weightless to the ground

and you forget how to get back up 

unless someone lifts you.

Here is another fall

but this time you let yourself drop 

you feel yourself bleed

and you cover up your wounds 

on your own without any help.

Do you think you’re ready?