Growing pains

how easy life would be

if I know how to love without fear

most days I feel my cup overflowing with a fection

for friends, family, and people

but I learn to keep them at bay

in fear that they find it overwhelming, fear of being rejected,

fear of being ridiculed.

"it's too much,"

I've been told

and ever since then life hadn't been easy

and loving is something I fear comes out of me

I remember your absence
as well as my resilience

in days where I found myself alone without notice

I remember justifying your actions
and your decisions, regardless

of how selfish

I remember making excuses for you
because I'm old enough

I can take care of myself

but ultimately

I remember you robbing us of our youth
because you wanted yours back

and I remember you

never owning up to your choices
and wishing someone to save you

now that it's all said and done,
you paint a narrative

that it should be my responsibility

when you were never responsible. 

And you've left me in my adolescence
thinking I wasn't enough

to fulfill a life worth living.
All those times, I thought

I got in the way of the life you deserve.

and maybe that's true,
maybe you deserve better.
Honestly, we both do.

the pains of growing are evident
in gatherings with close friends.

when you witness the person they are becoming
does not coincide with the person you are
trying to be

it's like trying to understand a stranger
or pleading your case to a jury.

the pain comes from wanting desperately
to save what is seemingly

coming to an end

and the verdict comes

with a sentence you don't want to hear

you try to grasp the little moments you have
and consume the happiness that comes

in between the confusion and ache
until little by little

you lose them from time

and though the distance has never been pretty significant.
you will part ways with them

and you learn to take the space they left open
as part of your growing pains

I’ll forever be stuck in a montage of self-improvement;
a supercut of me learning to love myself.
and I’m not quite sure if I’m okay with that

all the excuses i made

to make every person in my life
stay in my life

i mistook them for empathy

when it was all just so i don't have to feel lonely

now the weight of those excuses
crash over me as i cry myself to sleep

wondering why people never fought for me

i know why,

it's because i never really gave them a reason to.
i accommodated their feelings,

their words, their actions -
regardless of how much it hurt

just so i can get a glimpse
of happiness,

the feeling of being chosen,
but never truly

it's such a weird place to be

when you know you've been

taking care of people your whole life

that when someone comes in
to take care of you

it doesn't feel peaceful

it feels disruptive and invasive;
it feels like letting go of control

to finally hand over the keys
for someone else to drive,

so you can finally feel the wind
pass through your hands.

but it all feels so unfamiliar,

that you would do anything to get back control
even if it means pushing them away

out from the steering wheel

Recognizing when it's time to let go, 

Of those who repeatedly disappoint,

And show no interest in the connection offered.

Once, understandable,

But the sting lingers when they 

Consistently lack enthusiasm, 

And fail to grasp the depth of hurt 

Caused by their repeated actions.

They make plans, similar to those we made, 

But with others, leaving me sidelined.

Perhaps the issue lies with me, 

Embedded in the equation.

Learning the art of detachment, 

Ensuring my own well-being,

Even if it means not being involved.

Acknowledging that some connections 

Are not meant to be sustained,

And finding peace in releasing them.

It's not easy, but it's necessary,

To preserve my own sense of self-worth, 

And prioritize my own emotional health.

So I bid farewell to those

Who cannot reciprocate the effort, 

Embracing the freedom that comes With letting go.

in my life

i've come to realize

i don't exactly desire a relationship 

but rather a companion

i need intimacy

that doesn't necessarily

come in the form of a romantic partner

just someone who wouldn't mind 

running errands with me

or doomscrolling tiktok 

while we lie in bed

i crave the silence that comes 

with ultimate comfort

and our smile as we admire one another 

from across the room

i want someone to stay

despite me saying it's okay for them to go 

if they would rather be somewhere else

i want them to choose to stay

i desire a person

who would be okay knowing everything about me 

when i would itch and scratch my brain

knowing i just unraveled myself in front of them

i want them to assure me that it's okay 

that they know

and they don't mind at all

i want them to come over the next day 

as if what they know isn't a big deal 

because even though i know it's not

i can't help but feel it is

and that it would always lead

to an inevitable end of companionship. 

ultimately, i just need someone to be okay 

to be existing with me and close to me

maybe i should have never said anything - 

watched your world

turn upside down over someone

simply offered a presence, 

a sense of comfort,

and made you feel less alone

maybe you never needed me there 

in times of confusions and distress 

i should have been more aware

i am a person of convenience,

a sounding board for you to bounce of. 

but i never truly mattered anyway

i have seen my mother take back my father

even after cheating on her, called her names,

told her she's worthless

her love endured

in spite of his abuse.

for a brief period of their marriage he was unkind and hurtful

but she stayed through that time and waited for him to be better. eventually, he did

i never saw that as a showcase 

of genuine love;

i saw it as a weakness.

at nights when my mother would 

sleep on my bed

and i listen to hear sob,

i turned her erratic breathing 

into a lullaby.

i vowed i would never love pathetically

and welcome a man who was unfaithful to me.

a man who hurts me once will never know 

what happens after he does it twice.

i would never let love weaken me, 

not as a child and never as an adult.

though, i never learned to hate my father after that, 

i learned to hate every man that came after him,

all the while yearning for their approval.

i would seek affection in their arms and from their lips. 

so that at the end of the night,

i can show them how i don't need it.

i wish i could've given her a home 

earlier in life;

because i realize now she's not 

getting any younger

and even though it's not my job,

her happiness would be the only thing 

that would satisfy me in my life

and it hurts to think about

because at some point in my childhood 

i know she forgot her responsibility

in raising me, to regain her lost youth

the irony of her leaving our home 

with me alone in it,

and now we have no address 

under our name

just temporary homes,

hoping one day we'll finally find 

a place to call our own

and she can finally be happy

It's a gut-wrenching feeling, isn't it? 

Watching your mom in pain,

feeling utterly powerless to ease her su fering.

You hold her close as she weeps, 

bidding her farewells,

and in that moment, memories flood back.

Those times her choices stung, 

leaving wounds that still ache. 

But as she trembles in your arms,

it dawns on you - she's just as flawed, 

just as human, as you are.

Navigating life, making choices 

with no guidebook, no roadmap.

She did her best, imperfect as it was. 

Despite her faults, she was your mother, 

nurturing and loving in her own way.

And that realization cuts deep, 

a sharp pain in your chest,

a lump in your throat. 

You feel her anguish,

her sorrow at life's cruelties, 

mirroring your own struggles.

In that shared moment of vulnerability, 

you realize the depth of her love, 

imperfect yet unwavering.

And it hurts, deeply, 

to witness her pain,

to know she's tasted life's bitterness 

just as you have.

But in that pain lies a bond,

a connection forged in the fires of life's trials, 

reminding you that, despite it all,

you're in this together.

i must find peace 

in knowing

that people forget me

if i don't make my presence known, 

they will not seek for it

and that i am not someone they will long for

no one has ever found peace in the air i breathe 

and my absence has never been noted.

i fill the room in moments i am there 

but it will never be of grave importance

i must find peace in not having a place 

in someone else's home

and find solace on my own

i am getting damn tired 

of begging for people’s 

care and a fection;

if they truly love me why does 

it feel like it takes a lot in them 

to show it

maybe there's something wrong 

with the way i try to be their friend, 

maybe i'm too much

or maybe i'm not enough

or maybe i'm just right,

that they take me for granted 

because they know i will always 

be there

but i am so damn tired 

of trying to be there 

but still not wanted

i think i showed the universe 

too much how i enjoyed solace 

that it made plans for everyone 

in my life to find partners, 

companions, and family,

and left me to be on my own. 

completely aware that i have built 

a solid space for myself

that no one would think to peek

over the walls and see how lonely i am.