Dumber

24

24 should be a place of knowing; 

a place where you’re comforted 

by the idea that you’ll be fine. 

but all those years of adulthood

only pushed me away from security.

i’m more afraid than ever of what’s to come-- 

the loneliness, the confusion, the lack of sleep.

even now as i try to make sense of my emotions, 

i fumble and struggle

because i no longer have the sophisticated and ambitious 

level of expression i used to have at 18.

24 should be a place of knowing,

but i can’t help but feel like i’m dumber than ever…

new relationships excite me;

meeting people who don’t know who 

I am or what I should be

they offer a new start

a chance to be different 

than what’s expected

but they also terrify me

because new relationships

don’t provide the comfort of old ones

they don’t guarantee loyalty, 

commitment, and trust.

I’m terrified they won’t like who they meet

because the thing about new relationships is 

we invest a lot of time and energy

on someone or something we don't know

hoping that at the end of the day 

we meet someone who will see us 

for exactly who we are

and not for someone who we present ourselves to be

happiness in lonesome

I find happiness wherever it should be 

albeit difficult to uncover,

I try my best anyway.

and recently I found happiness in lonesome 

although I am flooded with questions

about a significant other - who, when, or where?

I laugh and smile,

retreating to kindness by default

to show them how happy I am in my lonesome

and how not even in their absence can I feel alone— 

not anymore.

there aren’t enough words to describe 

how lonely I’ve been feeling

He reminds me too much of sadness, 

When I see him with depth in his stare. 

I recall his hands

When he offered kindness to a stranger.

I remember his mouth

And how it releases beautiful sounds-- 

A hollow voice, dropping sweet remarks

Sometimes for me, but often for somebody else.

I remember his smile

When he laughs at my jokes

although he refuses to admit they are funny.

I remember the way he stands--

And the way he turned and walked away.

He reminds me too much of sadness. 

Of how one can appear

Kind, sweet, and beautiful,

maybe for their own personal gain.

He reminds me of sadness

Because he's not here to be beautiful for me; 

he's a whore for everyone

he wants to please.

And I was a willing victim.

Hindi mo naman kasalan na hindi mo ko gusto.

Hindi ko din naman kasalan na mayroon akong gusto sa'yo. 

Kasalanan siguro ng pagkakataon dahil dinala niya ko sa'yo

Sa panahong gustong gusto ko ng pagmamahal mula kahit kanino.

one-sided connections

I’m so tired of making one-sided connections 

because if it doesn’t mean that much to them

then why do I try to make it deeper than what it is

I’m so tired of making one-sided connections.

If they would rather talk to me when it’s convenient for them

then why do I try to make myself available at every moment they seek me out

I’m so tired of making one-sided connections 

because no matter how hard I try

I can never be that person

I’m a placeholder for the one they truly want; 

a nobody that can temporarily be somebody 

when they have no one else

I’m so tired of making one-side connections

although it’s a luxury I must entertain, because without it 

who would I be and who would I turn to?

another you, another me

what would have it been like

to fall in love with another you?

a you that I have initially created in my head, 

a you who is kind and sweet,

who takes me to the movies,

and lets me wear his jacket when I’m cold

a you who lets me meet his friends

and tells them how happy he is to be with me 

without telling them exactly

I guess we’ll never know

because another you would have to mean another me 

a me who is more forgiving and patient,

a me who can keep it quiet when you’re mad,

a me who is always ready to catch you when you fall from grace 

and clean up your act when you make a mess

another you means another me,

and I’m not okay letting go of who I am-- 

because who I became in spite of you

is who I should be

Puzzled

There was a certain amount of excitement to it.
Getting all our pieces together

And seeing how they fit with one another.

But, when the image started to take form, that's when I saw it. 

We fit a puzzle of all the wrong things about each other.

It built a portrait of chaos and an inevitable tragedy.

Maybe we rushed into it,

Or maybe I rushed my way out of it.

Because while I was already dreading the image 

You were still trying to work out what it portrayed- 

As if there are other ways of looking at it.

All I could see is what I wanted to see. 

And who am I to say the last word?

I'm just a dumb kid trying to get things moving.

Somehow I thought assuming the worst in everything would save me from pain.

Now I'm left with an ache caused by the unknowing of what would have been worse; 

Staying or leaving.

Somewhere between then and now,

I lost all sense of who I am and who I want to be.

From what I remember,

All I wanted was to be happy.

But the word has lost its meaning.

Because somewhere between then and now, 

I knew what it felt to be happy.

Before someone took it away from me.