All things bright and sunny

Cruel Nights

cruel are nights when I long for rest 

but all I could do is think;

as if thinking is a punishment for

the likes of me who never seem to stop

for every detail of my day 

could be one thing or another,

I think about it until my mind is exhausted 

yet I never get tired of thinking

thinking is a punishment for

the likes of me who never seem to stop 

because thinking is all I’m good for 

and when actions and words fail,

all I could ever do is think 

about where I could be better 

how I could be better

and if I could be better

thinking is a punishment for

the likes of me who never seem to stop

and cruel are the nights where my heart and mind are tired yet all I could do is think

Steps

people often step on my toes

and I apologize for being in the way

thinking that I shouldn’t have dared walk there. 

I feel bad for making them feel sorry.

we never intended to hurt each other but we did, 

even though I bare most of the pain

I hope they don’t feel too bad for stepping on my toes. 

It’s a pain I’m more than happy to endure alone.

Walls of What I Go Through Nightly

These walls are witness to what I go through.
every night when I’m alone it sees my truth
That I am not one to be honest with my feelings because I
bury them under falsities,

putting up a front of fake happy

just so I don’t render anyone uncomfy

But these walls are witness to what I go through
when I’m alone and there’s no one to see

the misery company I keep,

punishing myself for things I could not control—
what I can’t change.

These walls are witness to what I go through.

They hear my thoughts because I speak them out loud.
If they could talk back, I wonder what they would say?
Would they scorn me for my weaknesses?

Or hold me tight within their grasp to console me till I quiet down.

My faint heart does not communicate wisely with my wayward mind.

They both offer unpredictability, so I sit and stare wondering when they will reconcile. 

How I wish I was saner than I ought to be,

maybe then my walls wouldn’t have to witness what I go through nightly.

What Does It Mean to Love?

the idea of love is a magnet 

that constantly draws me in

to every person I grow a connection with 

because how attractive is it

to finally have that one person 

to care and die for

yet love remains an idea for me 

only learned through theory 

and never through practice

because in my life I’ve only ever loved 

those who can’t love back

could there be shame in falling in love 

with the idea of love?

when all the greatest songs, movies, and poetry 

are written about them

it’s like life is designed to romanticize love

and yet they ostracize you for falling all too quickly 

when all you did was believe their idea of love

Physical Touch

to be held in times of trouble is one thing

but to be held just for the sake of holding is divine.

the knowledge of someone willingly putting their arms around your person when it is well within their right to do so,

it fills the mind with calmness and comfort

as if all the world’s chaos will never be enough to disrupt the peace their hold provides

so whenever you feel a sense of longing to be held,

how about you extend your arms and hold someone instead— 

someone you know who needs it.

it shall offer a great deal of comfort to them 

whether or not they know

Of Hands Holding

as our hands intertwined that night 

I felt my soul touch yours unraveled and unruly

we let them dance

through songs of life and laughter 

knowing each step is guided by 

just two hands touching—

I swore that night my hands fit

no palms, no crevices, and no space 

but yours.

yet all delusions of grandeur must end 

for when our souls tire of dancing

we descend back to thoughtful reservations 

as reality creeps back in

that our song is not one that plays forever 

nor should it have played to begin with.

however, peace fills my mind 

in place of sadness.

once my hand left yours

I knew I could never touch it again, 

but I’m sure glad I felt it.

Old Habits Die Hard

to think is the only thing I know

it’s a familiar habit developed when I was younger- 

never have I lost it or outgrown it.

thinking is the hand that caresses 

mine comforting me when I’m left to my own devices

which was more frequent than I thought.

it made me comfortable being alone; 

thinking helped me welcome my loneliness.

but soon enough, thinking becomes a deterrence 

for me to live my life normally

slowly fear was instilled in me 

along with a dozen more emotions 

cultivated by my habit of thinking.

thinking was an all-consuming void, a black hole 

that devours me every time I try

to put my mind at rest.

it has become the one thing I fear the most,

even after I thought it was the only thing that could save me.

the hand that was once soft and tender,

became a massive boulder;

a crushing weight that’s heavy on my shoulder.

Drawn…

I pull away 

but your magnetic pull 

is strong

one slight move 

and my body

is attracted

to a shift in your posture

it’s like you welcome me;

your arms anticipate the hold of my hands,

or our fingers touch, then suddenly locks with one another.

then the weight of my head

sits perfectly still on your shoulder 

while you keep yourself busy

sitting upright, trying not to disturb me.

so I do the same—

I offer the same courtesy of letting yours

fall on top of mine while I hold it down with my hand

in an attempt to let your slumber prosper.

my body is drawn to every piece of sign you give me,

a shift in your body movement in a language we similarly speak, 

saying that it’s okay that I hold you and you me,

so we could both feel a little less lonely.

What It Feels To Be So Lonely

loneliness isn’t the state of being alone

at least for me, it’s the feeling of neglect and abandonment.

you can be in a room filled with friends and family

and still feel alone

if no eyes turn towards you,

no mouth comes by to talk to you, 

and no arms to hold you.

loneliness is looking in the mirror 

and disliking the reflection—

the image it shows of a person who’s not enough. loneliness is being an afterthought.

when all you want is to be wanted, 

loneliness will linger at every step. 

how can one overcome loneliness,

if, given the chance, one would most likely be their own last choice?

All Things Bright & Sunny

I associate myself with all things bright:

sunshine, sunflowers, and sunny days

manifesting happiness into my life

hoping it’ll change my perspective every time

exhausting as it is,

I never wavered from this mindset

but somehow, it took one cloud to cover my sunshine.
my sunflowers cowered to the ground.

and my sunny days got darker.

I never faltered on my own.

yet when I decided to put my happiness in the hands of another,

my sun didn’t even blink or take its precious time to hide behind their dark clouds.

Control

I avoid your kindness

as it seems too good to be true; 

genuine as it may appear

I have lots of trouble convincing myself so

because I have never known sincerity. 

in life, all I have been met with

are false joy, hostility, and disinterest

towards everything I give off to people

so forgive me if I avoid your kindness 

and I return it with occasional coldness

I take comfort in knowing that I can control
how people will leave me.

Better Parts

the truth is I am a toy that people enjoy 

and all my tricks are fun to see,

fun to play with,

until they find someone else 

who does the same job

but with better parts,

parts they’d be more interested 

to play with.

POV

perspective is a funny thing.

all those times I thought I was doing something

—being important

only to realize it never truly mattered

I was just a pawn to a much bigger game

and I wasn’t the prize you were trying to win.

Where Do You Go?

where do you go when you’re alone 

with your thoughts just trying to revisit 

everything there was that happened

I go to the darkest place of my mind, 

repeating mistakes and rekindling the cringiest

of memories I had of everyone I’ve wronged— 

or who have wronged me

at first, I try to forgive myself 

for all the things that happened,

for the things I had no control over.

but forgiveness is not easily given

especially if the actions that require absolution

still hurts today

so although I try

I can’t seem to be kinder to who I am 

because of who I was

I hope the day comes when it gets easier

and we find kindness in ourselves for ourselves

regardless of how much hurt we harbor from our previous mistakes.

You may have guessed by now that things are not, in fact, bright & sunny.